just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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