TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
