The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Randomize
