My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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