Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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