omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
