i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
