Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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