Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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