i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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