Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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