he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
