She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
