I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
