Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
