I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
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