if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
