Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
