I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
