If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Let's paint friendship bongs
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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