I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
