i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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