Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
