Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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