there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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