Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
