so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
