did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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