Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
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