I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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