His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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