then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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