There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
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