I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
