i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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