Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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