Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
