Your face is a jimmy john
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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