i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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