the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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