JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
