Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
