Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
ugly people sure do ruin things
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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