i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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