He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
