I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
