I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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