I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
