I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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