hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
